His Scars
by Emrys Emily
Summary: Merlin is not his usual cheery self. Enter concerned Arthur. Hints of Merthur/slash. Contains self harm and possible suicidal thoughts. One shot, rushed fic. May not finish. Test fic.
1. His Suspicion

A/N: Hello! This is just a rushed, one shot fic that I put together. It's been in my head forever and I needed to jot down. Who knows. Maybe it'll give you inspiration to write.

Merlin's not his usual cheery self. Meaning he is pretty much out of character.

* * *

WARNINGS: CONTAINS SELF HARM AND POSSIBLE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.

* * *

Arthur stood there stiff, nose pressed up to the glass. His eyes sympathetically gazed down at the countless corpses rested upon the stone, covered with thin woolen sheets. He watched as the families mourned over their loss. A sickening feeling ripped his stomach. Mothers, fathers, brother's and sisters. Gone. At his careless hands.

He clenched his fist into a tight grip and hit the wall, bearing the numb pain it brought him.

"Sire?"

A familiar voice spoke behind him. The Prince turned to see his servant standing before him. Although it didn't really look like he was standing. He looked like a bag of bones being held upright by a puppet string. Merlin hasn't been his usual self lately.

Arthur turned to face the window again, before drawing the curtains in anger. He was the Prince, he was meant to keep his head held high. But he couldn't contain it in front of Merlin. He felt his emotions flooding the gates that keep them hidden.

"More bodies are found every coming dawn." He spoke.

Merlin's throat tightened. His voice was cracking with fear. Arthur's pain washed over his own.

"I know."

Arthur turned to his manservant. His skin was a sickening pale color and his eyes were dark and tired, not the piercing blue he once recognized. Not that he notices his pool of blue eyes that fit perfectly onto his angelic, carved face.

Arthur immediately shook away the oncoming thoughts regarding Merlin. More was at stake here than his fantasies.

The Prince never thought it possible, but he was even thinner. Just skin and bones. Arthur noticed Merlin found it hard for him to even stand upright, let alone breathe. He looked in a fragile state and he may even pass out at any minute. Had he even been sleeping?

"Merlin, are you alright?" Arthur questioned him. He wouldn't normally open up to him, how could he? But seeing Merlin like this, made his heart throb.

"I'm fine, sire."

Arthur didn't believe his frie- manservant. Not for one moment. It had to be more than that. He gazed into his lifeless eyes. Seeking an answer from him.

Arthur gave up and sighed. "Aren't we all."

"You- You can't blame yourself you know." Merlin's breath hitched at every word. "It's not your fault."

Arthur noticed the guilt that seeped through his eyes.

"It isn't yours either Merlin."

A sudden shiver ran down his spine. Merlin's eyes glanced down towards the floor of his Prince's chambers. He couldn't bear to make eye contact.

Arthur was wrong. It was his fault. He made a stupid mistake that let innocent people to be burnt by the fiery roars of the white dragon. If he had been there, he could of stopped it. If he hadn't let the egg hatch in the first place, he would of stopped it.

"If there's nothing else, sire. I'll be on my way."

Arthur dismissed him. He watched as Merlin slowly walked out of his chambers. He noticed his constant limping. What was he hiding?

* * *

Merlin peered through the door of his supervisors chambers.

"Gaius?"

Merlin glanced around the small space. Gaius wasn't here. He spotted a cleared bench that was once scattered with remedies and empty bottles. A small wooden bowl sat on the table, alongside a piece of rolled up parchment. Merlin unrolled the message.

_Merlin_,

_Tonight I am needed in the lower town. Will not be back until the morning. I prepared your favorite meal, hopefully it still remains warm. You need to eat._

_~Gaius _

Merlin glanced down at the food. Once upon a time it had been his favorite, but Merlin's stomach couldn't hold food. He felt no real need to eat.

Merlin muttered a quick spell to evaporate the soggy substance in the bowl so it would appear he had eaten it. Gaius had become suspicious of his unusual actions before, another stupid mistake.

He lingered up the few steps leading to his room. Merlin closed the door behind him and slumped onto his bed.

There was no point in trying to sleep anymore. The images still plagued him. The fire, burning the innocent. He could still hear the cry's and shrieks of pain.

A clean drop of water swept down his cheek. Soon followed by thousands more. Merlin sobbed into his dry pillow until it was soaked of his tears.

When he was dry of tears, Merlin rolled up his blue tunic. He eyed the fading scars of pink strips on his wrists. He had only cut there two dawns ago, but he always was a quick healer. The warlock blamed his magic.

Merlin spotted a patch of pale skin. He felt it was too plain, it needed something.

Merlin reached under his mattress and pulled out a hand held dagger. He clutched onto it with all of his fingers, restraining it tightly.

He pierced his skin with the tip and let out muffled breaths of pain as he sliced the blade further through his flesh.

He deepened it. _For all those souls who hurt because of you, now you need to hurt. _Merlin felt a searing pain of relief at seeing the seeps of blood rise from his cuts. Drops of red painted his sheets and stained his sleeves.

Merlin moved onto his thigh in having no space on his bony arms. He drew lines of blood under his skin. His breath was pounding as he knifed deep into a part of his flesh. Merlin watched as a pool of blood was forming around one of his sores.

Merlin knocked his head back and brushed his raven hair out of his glassy wet eyes. He placed the blood soaked dagger in it's place under his bed. Merlin laid still, sensing the stinging burns marking his skin. He fell into a restless sleep of horror blinding dreams.

_He will feel the burn, just as the others did. The others he could of saved, if he was not so stupid. _

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. _

* * *

As the sun rested upon the meadows, Arthur still rested in his bed. He had trouble sleeping, as he had for the past few nights. He felt the death of hundreds weighed out on his shoulders. He swallowed down the guilt before pressing his feet onto the icy bare floor.

Arthur sighed before lulling himself out of bed. He felt the cold air whip against his bear chest.

Three sudden knocks rattled on the great wooden doors.

"Enter." He called out.

He saw his lanky manservant open the door to his chambers, carrying a tray of breakfast.

"Since when do you knock?" Arthur questioned him.

Merlin didn't bother to reply. His busy fingers were scattering, arranging the tableware. It wasn't like him to not use one of his witty come backs.

"Alright this has gone on long enough." Arthur walked up to the boy. He looked worse than before.

Merlin froze. His eyes met with Arthur's for what felt like ages. Merlin was the one to break the concentration. He mumbled under his breath.

"There is nothing wrong, sire."

Arthur rested a hand on his shoulder.

"I don't believe that, Merlin."

_Dammit_. Merlin thought. He had become suspicious. Merlin needed to fake a laugh, a smile, a joke. Anything to lead the Prince of his tracks.

"Well you never really do listen. You're too much of a prat to do that." Merlin knew it wasn't his best, but it was all he could manage to think of in his rushing mind. Well at least it convinced Arthur. Since Merlin flashed a grin, and Arthur returned one.

* * *

"_Well you never really do listen. You're too much of a prat to do that." _

Arthur heard Merlin mutter. He slightly nudged him on his shoulder.

Merlin smiled, well at least he attempted to, Arthur noticed. It wasn't his famous toothy grin and wrinkled eyes that Arthur oh so loved. Merlin only slightly turned up the corners of his mouth. Hardly passable as a 'Merlin' smile.

Arthur shot back a grin, and turned to face the wall. He quickly glanced over his shoulder at the manservant who was now making an effort to rummage through the Prince's wardrobe.

Arthur ran his fingers through his burnt golden hair. _What was the matter with him_?

Merlin returned with a wine red tunic thrown over his shoulder. Arthur obediently threw his arms up as Merlin fit the tunic over his head. Arthur couldn't help but notice Merlin's soft hands caressing over his chest as he tied the laces of his shirt in a firm knot.

He couldn't also help but notice Merlin's blood stained sleeve.

"Merlin what happened?" Arthur asked as he tugged onto his manservant's arm. Merlin tensed up and quickly pulled his arm free of his grasp.

"It's nothing, really, I accidentally cut myself while chopping up some herbs for Gaius. That is all." Merlin fiddled around with his sleeve before shrugging. "I must of forgot to wash it."

Arthur nodded before adjusting his pants.

* * *

_Stupid Stupid Stupid! _Merlin thought.

He didn't bother changing his bloodied tunic that morning. He had more things on his mind.

Merlin noticed the concerned look that was plastered upon his Prince's face. He needed to rid him off these thoughts and reassure him everything was alright. Even if it wasn't.

"I never thought you cared." Merlin attempted a smirk.

Arthur pulled his best 'Shut up Merlin' face before throwing an empty goblet at his manservant's thigh.

Merlin winced in pain as the cup hit him. Arthur normally would of told him to stop being such a girl, but he noticed the spots of blood now oozing onto his servant's trousers.

Merlin's eyes squinted shut as he screeched in agony.

Arthur's eyebrows knotted together as he was striding towards him. Merlin backed away from him, nearly tumbling over. Surely he didn't hit him that hard.

"You're bleeding!"

"It's alright, I'm fine." He managed through tight lips. "I need a moment."

Before Arthur could protest, Merlin was out of the Prince's chambers and backed up against a corner of the castle hallways.

Arthur followed him out, but lost sight of the lanky, dark haired servant.

Merlin pulled up the fabric of his pants now sitting above his thigh. Merlin ran his finger over the bloody wound. The deep cut had opened up once hit by the goblet. Merlin cursed himself under his breath.

Upon hearing voices, Merlin limped back to Gaius's chambers. He quickly scanned the room for the aged man.

Not here.

Merlin tore of a piece of cloth and wrapped it tightly around his thigh. The blood quickly stained the fresh white cotton.

Merlin jumped in his tracks once the door was swung open.

"Explain yourself." Arthur spoke boldly. His arms were crossed against his chest. He lowered his eyes to view the red spots against the brown fabric.

"I tripped and a stick cut me. When you threw the goblet it opened the wound."

Arthur felt a wave of guilt crash down on him. But not all of him believed that to be the case.

"Show me." His voice was more croaky.

"No not it's fine really!"

"If it get's infected it will be much worse Merlin now show me!"

Merlin silently wished for something, anything that would stop Arthur from finding the many slits of blood covering his pale thigh.

His prayers were answered as Leon suddenly barged through the door.

"The King seeks your presence immediately, sire."

Arthur gave him a nod of approval. Leon soon left the chambers.

"You know, it's a wonder how you're not already dead."

Arthur shot another glance at Merlin before too leaving out the door.

Merlin let out a brief sigh of relief.


	2. His Emotions

**SEE CHAPTER 1 FOR WARNINGS**

* * *

_A/N: I'm really amazed at the response I got from this fic. I only really wrote it to as I've mentioned before, build my writing skills. _

_Alas, you want to see more. So I shall give you more. Possibly. I don't know. I might not finish, it depends. Thanks for reviewers, I'll get back to you when I can!_

_This chapter mainly revolves around Arthur. Him caring for Merlin. Fluff stuff. _

_I'm letting you know now that Merlin is a bit out of character, hence the self harming wouldn't be done by him. But anyway._

_Well I'll stop rambling now. *ahem* May I present to you:_

* * *

**CHAPTER 2: The Fall **

* * *

_"You look sad when you think he can't see you" - Molly, BBC Sherlock_

* * *

Merlin sliced another cut on his skin and watched with observing eyes as the scratch lit up in red. He cut open the healing pink scars, leaving them to burn a brighter color. The stinging sensation that followed afterwards was soothing as he released all his depression out on his flesh.

He had tried that day. He tried to stop. Someone would figure him out. But he couldn't. The guilt kept crushing him. His destiny was crushing him. And this felt like his only release of all that. It brought immense relief in seeing new scars which would never be explainable to any other living soul.

Tears built in his eyes as the last few drops of blood pooled in one of the cuts. It was a deep wound. Merlin pulled the metal knife out of his skin, and saw it coated with blood.

He felt himself slowly drifting away, had he cut too deep? Hopefully. Perhaps he wouldn't have to face another day. Maybe this was for the best. All he ever brought upon Camelot and her citizens were pain. They would be better with out him. Everyone. His mother, Gaius, Camelot, Gwen, Morgana, _Arthur_...

The dark soon consumed him, and he let his head fall back onto his pillow. Hoping never to wake again.

* * *

Unfortunately destiny isn't that kind.

Merlin woke to the now irritating chorus of villagers humbling about their morning duties. He rolled his eyes back in frustration. Why wouldn't his magic let him escape this destiny?

He eyed the wounds on his arms. The scabbing already began as it etched over his skin. He rolled down his sleeves, carefully covering it up.

Merlin pulled himself off his bed and let his mind drag his body downstairs. His head felt terrible and his arms hurt like hell. As soon as he was in view of the physicians chambers he felt his stomach squirm. A patient with half of their face burnt was sitting on top of the medical bed Gaius possessed. The old man was tending to the scorched face. Merlin had no doubts this was the cause of the young dragon's attack, guided by Morgana, which had yet again been his fault.

"You're up, and it's about time too, Merlin." Gaius called out. The old mans lips were quirked in a smile. How could he be smiling? With all this destruction.

Merlin nodded in response, too caught for words at this sight.

"I've prepared you some breakfast."

Merlin looked over at the plate set atop the bench. There were two rolls and slices of cheese. This was more than he had ever been presented by Gaius. Of course, he was getting suspicious of his eating habits.

Merlin tried swallowing down food, but his stomach churned at the sight. He had no appetite to eat, simple. So he refused to.

"I'll eat it on the way, Arthur is expecting me early." Merlin hastily replied. He grabbed the food and hurried out the door without so much as a 'goodbye' from him.

Merlin tossed the food to beggars, knowing it would be more use to them than it would for him. He sighed. _Another day with facing the Prince of Camelot. _

* * *

Arthur was the Prince of Camelot. _Crowned_ Prince of Camelot, mind you.

He endlessly struggled with the duties it brought. He faced the many dangers threatening him and his people. He has experienced heartache. He suffered the consequences and misery his destiny as heir to the throne brought upon him.

Arthur came out of that, bold and brave. He managed to get past it despite the pain.

So why was it so hard to put past all the emotion, when it came to Merlin?

Merlin. His_ manservant_.

_His_ bloody manservant.

All those years did not add up to the suffering that ate inside of him.

Arthur knew something was wrong. Something was troubling him. He had not seen the same stupid smile for what felt like years now.

He missed it. Oh how he _craved _it_._

Merlin came to his chambers everyday, looking dreary and ill which made Arthur feel uneasy all the same.

Arthur examined the dull report, eyes fixed upon the prints of ink. Bored with his work, his eyes drifted away from the parchment and scanned the room for his lanky manservant. His eyes caught on to his lifeless figure, knees glued to the ground and a dripping cloth in one hand.

His once sparkling jewels for eyes now faded into a worrying shade of navy, which blended well with his deathly pale face. His cheekbones looked so hollow and sharp, Arthur thought he would cut himself slapping his face. Not that he'd ever do of course, but he begun feeling tempted to if he wouldn't get answers soon.

Arthur moaned in frustration, well in his thoughts, as he saw the pained, guilty expression painted on his face. The same seeping sadness which lurked beneath his actions.

His manservant wanted him to believe he was alright. Merlin thought he had Arthur fooled.

Boy was he wrong.

* * *

Arthur had already offered him time off.

_("Merlin, take a day or two to recover."_

_"Never thought you cared, sire.")_

That sentence proclaiming he cared, sure shut him up. He could never bring his feelings for Merlin above the surface of his lips. He just buried them deep into his mind, where his dark secrets were kept hidden, never to be brought to light...

God, when did he become so emotional?

* * *

"Merlin, you look as pale as a ghost."

"Hmph?" He lifted his chin, eyes meeting with Arthur's. His head looked about ready to roll of his shoulders.

Arthur swallowed before once remembering how to speak.

"I said, you look very unwell."

Merlin forced a shallow chuckle that lasted barely half a second. "Not this again, 'm fine" he muttered before bowing his head back and continued wiping the ground clear of filth.

"Merlin. I'm serious. Put down that cloth now. We're going to have a chat." Arthur felt his nerves kicking in. He was never the one you'd turn to for advice. He hated heart to heart chats and comforting sessions, he was terrible at it.

"No I don't really fancy it."

Merlin forced a bit of cheekiness to try and reassure him.

_Nice try_, Arthur thought.

The Prince rolled his eyes. He strode across his chambers snatching both the pale of water and cloth out of his manservant's reach.

"I'm not done!" Merlin protested, waving his arms frantically in a failing attempt to retrieve his supplies.

"I don't care. Merlin, you _will_ tell me why you look like a walking corpse."

* * *

Merlin's eyes gazed down, breaking concentration with Arthur's.

_What was he supposed to say? Every night he cut deep into his flesh to relieve his mind?_

_He stopped using magic, which didn't seem to agree and continued eating at him._

_He had not appetite to eat and couldn't sleep, and when he did drift off his mind was plagued with nightmares?_

_He has led Camelot to misery yet again, and now they were suffering because of him?_

"Just tired." Lame excuse, he knew. But it's all his brain could figure.

"Why? You need time off? If you need to rest-"

"No. No I don't, like I said I'm fine."

The last thing Merlin wanted was time off. He wanted things to be as normal as they could get. And if you mean working for an _ass_ normal, then yes.

Time off would raise enough suspicion as it is, and besides, he owed Arthur. For the suffering _he_ brought to his master's future kingdom.

He doomed the people of the lower town to a fiery death. Him and him alone. He didn't deserve to be well, not while families had lost families, because of his careless hands.

"You're not making this any easier for yourself, you know. Get some rest, or I'll strap you to the bed myself."

_I wouldn't be complaining. _Merlin only briefly thought. He soon brushed that thought out of his head, not paying any more attention to it._  
_

Upon realization of what he said, Arthur's face burned red. He glanced his head to the side.

A sudden thrush of blood ran up to Merlin's head. It nearly toppled him other, but he fought against the feeling.

Soon Arthur turned away, facing his back to Merlin. His arms folded over each other across his broad chest.

"You know, Merlin. People often assume that I-"

The thrashing feeling returned, and it stirred away all noise into a blur of mumbled sounds. The words his master spoke no longer made sense to his ears. He tapped the outside of his ear drum, in an attempt to hear better.

The world around him soon blurred into a spiraling mess. Objects were no longer detailed, rather blobs of different colors.

Dark spots clouded his sight soon, he felt as if he were closing his eyes slowly, unleashing the darkness before his own two pupils. His thin legs weren't so stiff anymore, he felt as if they would both snap right underneath him.

Merlin had spent enough time with Gaius to realize what was happening. Not eating or drinking was beginning to take it's affect on Merlin. He pleaded for this not to happen now, not here and most definitely not with Arthur.

Soon he would be consumed by the dark. Merlin cursed himself as he tried so hard to will his eyelids open._  
_

Blood stopped rushing to his head. That, or he couldn't feel it anymore. Numbness overtook his entire body. His head felt light.

His field of vision soon zoomed away from him, as he fell back.

* * *

"...for all I know you could be in some kind of trouble. Maybe if I wasn't a Prince you could- . Just please, put my mind at ease, and tell me what in the hell is going on!"

Arthur snapped towards the end. He couldn't help it. The silence was driving him mad. He needed to know.

"Merlin."

He was unsatisfied when he didn't hear his voice.

"Merlin are you even listening to me?" Arthur turned back around, pointing an accusing figure.

He expected to see his pale manservant, not a translucent figure.

"Merlin?" He asked, confusion and fear rattling his mind.

He was unresponsive. Just...standing there.

Merlin's blank eyes rolled back in his head. Soon his knees bent back, and he..._collapsed_. He felt his heart sink in his stomach. Arthur's reflexes were working, but not fast enough. He stumbled on his way to Merlin.

A thump echoed around his empty chambers. _'Merlin!' _Arthur thought he may of cried out. He wasn't too sure. Before his mind could catch up to the moment, he found himself kneeling beside his unconscious servant. He hardly remembered pulling himself over to him.

Arthur tried swallowing the lump in his throat, and exhaled before examining Merlin's breathing. Some tension seemed to disappear off of his heavy, sunken shoulders when he felt a pulse.

The two wide doors crashed open. Arthur didn't bother looking up, as he heard the familiar clatter of chain mail. Arthur must of definitely called out, because it was loud enough to alert the guards who were now ushering in to his chambers.

"Fetch Gaius! Tell him something is wrong with Merlin!" Arthur blurted out.

He felt pathetic. Where was his sense of authority, sense of leadership? It certainly wasn't in his cracking whimpering voice. He felt so vulnerable in this state. The once almighty Pendragon, now breaking down because of the unresponsive body in his arms. But that unresponsive body happened to be Merlin's. And whether he'd ever admit it or not, he cared for Merlin. Too much to let any harm come to him.

"Go!" Arthur called out again, hardly a second afterwards.

Soon enough, the guards were gone, not daring to test the young Prince's patience.

Arthur clasped his hand under Merlin's neck, moving up to the back of his head. He felt his forehead meet with Merlin's. He silently prayed for everything to be alright.

* * *

"Sire." Gaius addressed him.

Arthur knocked his head back and saw the familiar physician shifting towards him. He held a medicine bag clutched to his side. The old man awkwardly kneeled down, gasping in pain as his back ached.

Gaius pressed his palm to Merlin's sweaty forehead and mumbled something about a high temperature.

"I'll need to tend to him once he is in bed." Gaius announced.

Arthur signaled towards his own. "We'll place him here."

"Sire, it is not really necessary-"

"Gaius you have to help him, now." He interrupted.

The man nodded and rose from his position, once again weeping a small cry of agony.

Arthur cradled Merlin towards his bed, releasing him on the soft mattress. The Prince uncontrollably fidgeted with his own hair in frustration. _Why was this happening to Merlin?_

While it's true he's always acted odd, this was a new level for him. Had Merlin been injured? Is he sick? Arthur didn't want to think of the possibilities, but he couldn't stop them roaming his mind. The big question which puzzled him was why Merlin felt the need to hide anything from the Prince.

He observed as Gaius tipped an unusual remedy into Merlin's mouth. The boy flinched at this before lying still again. Arthur was soon at his aid, wanting Merlin to desperately wake up.

Minutes had passed and Arthur was becoming impatient. He knew he should give Gaius time, but every second Merlin lay unconscious was another second bothering him. And worrying him to his core.

Arthur finally stopped pacing about the room when Gaius had finally finished his analysis.

"Well, what is it Gaius?" Arthur questioned him.

"The only thing I could think of which would have this effect on Merlin would simply be not consuming enough to eat. He should be fine however."

Arthur looked puzzled. "Why would he not be eating?"

Gaius waited a second or two before answering, as if trying to think of why. "I would not know sire, I have provided him food. Perhaps he has been too busy."

Arthur's eyes widened in disbelief. Surely he didn't keep Merlin that busy. He gave him chores but he was sure Merlin would have time to eat. Then he felt a pang of guilt. Had he?

"When will he wake?"

"It is hard to say, sire. It appears Merlin has not been getting enough well rest either. So at the least I would say a day."

Arthur breathed an accepting-but disappointed- sigh. Merlin really was a riddle, wrapped up in a mystery.

"I have done all I can for the moment, sire. For if you would know like to bring Merlin back to his chambers you can do so."

Arthur considered it, but he refused. It was a strange feeling to have to want Merlin under his supervision, but he felt a strong urge to keep him there.

"It will be fine, we'll just leave him here."

Gaius looked shocked, but didn't further question it. Knowing from past experience it was the waste of breath to argue with the Prince.

"I will be back later this evening to try and give him food, sire."

"No, it will not be a problem for me to order some extra food. You take care Gaius."

"Alright, sire."

Arthur nodded towards the old man before he dismissed himself with a bow.

He shot glances at Merlin, who was sound asleep in his bed. He looked peaceful, yet at the same time troubled. Arthur rocked his head back, mumbling sometimes about Merlin being a complete fool. He sat close to Merlin, watching the little details of him. The heave of his chest rising and lowering with every breath, the slight flutter his eyelashes made, his fingertips slightly curling. He brushed Merlin's short fringe away from his clammy forehead. Then he felt his fingers running through the strands of his hair, flourishing how soft it felt against his own skin.

Arthur urged himself away. He was only tempting himself further, and that was not something he would do to Merlin. For his manservant didn't feel the same way, which still flooded his mind everyday. Arthur perched himself near a window, letting his mind wander further.

A knock rapped on his door. Arthur signaled for the visitor to come in, praying it would not be his father. Uther would not appreciate a servant being taken care of in a Prince's bed. Although the King liked to make sudden appearances without permission, so it would be unlikely for him to knock.

The entrance opened and Guinevere stood in the door way, bowing before Arthur.

"I was told by Gaius that Merlin was here. And that he needed to be watched over."

Arthur saw the concern in her eyes. Not only was she here to care for him, but to see him. Guinevere and Merlin were good friends and they never failed to show it. Which always seemed to make Arthur slightly jealous as he failed to ever show any kind of gratitude towards Merlin, no matter how hard he tried.

"It is appreciated, Guinevere, but I am able to care over him."

"Oh you have training sire, with the knights? That is why I was sent to look over Merlin." Gwen quickly announced.

The realization suddenly hit Arthur. He had forgotten the training and was really not looking forward to it. He had no interest in leaving Merlin's side at this time. He was clearly unwell and it didn't feel right to have to leave him. Perhaps he could skip this session?

Arthur sighed. He would have to go.

"Of course. Thank you, Guinevere." He finally spoke.

Arthur strolled over to the doors, making a few side way glances at Merlin. He sighed again.

"Arthur-" He heard his name be called out. He turned back to find Guinevere.

"I think it's really...kind how you are doing this. You know, looking after him and all."

Arthur felt his cheeks slightly heat up before he gave an approving nod. Not a second later he was out the door and making his way to the armory.

* * *

He pushed hard against the shield, forcing his sword past it and aimed towards his opponent. Once the trainee was on the ground, he looked at Arthur with fear and mercy. The Prince had fought hard against his knights, letting his emotions control his sword. He felt angry at having to leave Merlin, and he was frustrated with him greatly.

Arthur stopped forcing upon the boy and let him breathe. He passed all the suspicious eyes upon him and walked back to the armory. He called for a servant to help his armor off before he strode back to his chambers. Arthur ordered another passing servant to arrange his dinner and bring it up. He ordered more than enough for one person, hoping Merlin would eat.

* * *

Merlin slowly opened his eyes, aware of the oncoming wave of light hitting his pupils. He squinted them shut, returning to the darkness he felt most comfortable with.

He woke again, this time not drifting back to sleep. His memory came crashing back to him. He remembered being swallowed whole by the dark. Fainting in that spot right over there.

He rubbed his eyes once again in disbelief. He glanced around curiously. He was in Arthur's chambers, in his bed. Merlin lunged himself forward, but then fell crashing back. It was too much for him to get out.

"Merlin?" Gwen asked. "Don't try to move."

Merlin rolled his head to the side and saw the familiar face of his friend sitting beside him. His throat was closed and couldn't force any words out. He threw his head back, not bearing to keep his eyes open any longer. It was warm in Arthur's bed, the covers looped around him hugging his small frame. It felt cozy.

_No, no this was wrong he shouldn't be here. Here, in Arthur's bed. _

He lifted his arms, struggling free of the blankets. He felt Gwen push him back, not letting him escape the bed. He sighed in defeat.

The urge to pull back away overcame him. Upon deciding he would like to stay like this, he fall back asleep in Arthur's covers. Clearly not in his right mind.

* * *

Arthur opened the two doors, and noticed Gwen caressing Merlin's hand. He felt a tinge of jealousy, then coughed to make his presence known.

Gwen stood up, startled and embarrassed as Arthur made his entrance. "Sire! Did training go well?" She asked lightly.

"Yes, yes it did." He spoke.

"That is good." Gwen gawkily said. She joined her hands behind her back and kept her posture straight.

Arthur nodded his head in a single motion. They both stood in awkward silence before Arthur begun conjuring more words to say. "How has Merlin been?"

"Oh." Gwen turned frantically, like she had forgotten mentioning him. "His temperature is lowering and he woke once."

Arthur payed all his attention to Guinevere now. "He woke up?

"Oh yes, he did. Only for a few seconds though before he fell asleep." Gwen rushed the words out of her mouth.

"Thank you for staying with him." Arthur thanked her.

"It was the least I could do for him, for Merlin. He has always been there. Always helping." Gwen sighed. "He has been acting strange lately, I'm afraid we aren't as close as we used to be. He's always shifty, like he's got something to hide." Guinevere paused "I apologize sire, I didn't mean to talk all about my problems."

Arthur was interested in what she had to say, however. "It's alright Guinevere, and you can call me Arthur. We are friends, are we not?"

Gwen gasped in embarrassment. "Of course, yes!" She smiled. Arthur brushed off the awkward silence once again.

"You say he has been acting strange lately?" Arthur asked. He wanted to know of Merlin as much as possible, and he wasn't getting any information from him.

"It's just that." Gwen paused again, feeling slightly intimidated to have to pour her feelings to the Prince. Yes it was true they have known each other and become quite good friends over the years, but she always felt shocked as to speaking to a noble in this manner, no matter who it was.

"Ever since the attack he's looked so...unwell. I think it's affected him the most than anyone else in Camelot. He never talks about his problems, and never admits to being upset, even if it's clearer than day. He knows he shouldn't have to hide his feelings from, well us, but he just...does?

We've grown distant over the year. He's always either busy with someone else or not in the mood to talk. It's like he's not the same boy who came here some years ago from Ealdor. He's changed. It's like he's lost the innocence that used to make him Merlin.

Whenever something like this happens, we grow further apart. He sinks lower into secrecy. It's like he's carrying the guilt of every bad battle on his shoulders. I've tried, and I just don't know what to do anymore." Guinevere took a deep breath after her small speech. She wiped away her glassy eyes.

Arthur hated this, once again. Comforting.

"It will be alright, Guinevere. We will look after him. He will get there. I promise." Arthur smiled, hoping it would catch on.

She grinned back, but still looked sad. "Thank you, sire."

"Arthur." He reminded her.

"Arthur." She agreed.

Gwen said goodbye, before strolling past the young Prince and out of his chambers.

He took a minute more to process what Gwen had said. _"He's always shifty, like he's got something to hide."_

He focused on those particular words. Merlin puzzled him. Some days he thought he knew his manservant inside and out, and other days it's like he doesn't know him at all. He shouldn't have to hide anything. Whatever is troubling he should feel like he can confide in Arthur, as a friend he reminded himself. Somehow he'd have to get that message through.

* * *

It was late and the sun was well gone. The moon illuminated the kingdom, lighting up the dark sky.

Arthur finished up the last of his paperwork and placed it all on one pile. His gaze wandered off to Merlin. Arthur kept placing an eye on him from time to time, to make sure he was still alright. Still with him, here. He smirked slightly as he saw him huddled on one side of the bed, at peace.

A round of knocks echoed through his chambers. A servant bowed before entering, carrying with them a silver platter. If they noticed Merlin resting in his bed they didn't show it. Nor would a servant ever question a Prince. They placed the tray of food on the table and were dismissed. On their way out, they remembered something they were meant to tell the Prince.

"Sire?" They spoke, as if asking for permission to speak.

"Yes?"

"You were requested to join the King in half an hour. For a goblet of wine."

Arthur sighed. "Yes, thank you that will be all."

_Will he ever have free time to himself? _

He glanced over at the platter. There was enough food for two people. Bread rolls, cheese, meat and fruit were all laid out nicely. Arthur ate his share of the meal before stacking the food onto a smaller dish. He placed it on his bed next to Merlin, careful not to knock any of the food off.

"Merlin? Wake up. Merlin can you hear me?" Arthur whispered, slightly louder than what was necessary.

Merlin moaned, which Arthur would take he could hear him. He smiled before talking again.

"Merlin, I have to go for a while but I'll be back, alright? Here is some food. Eat it."

Arthur almost ordered him. When no response came, he sighed and turned back out the door.

* * *

Merlin rolled over to his side and saw a dish stacked with food. Heaps of food. Food meant for a Prince that he, as a servant, should not be having. Merlin felt his stomach churn at the thought of having to eat. Or was that hunger pains? He couldn't tell.

Merlin pushed it to the other side of the bed, leaving the food untouched.

_I shouldn't be here. _Merlin thought to himself. _It is wrong. _

But no matter how much he wanted to leave, he couldn't move. He ached everywhere, and he thought he would collapse at trying to walk. Merlin remembered why he was here in the first place. Not enough food. He took up the strength to reach for a single roll of bread. He slowly chewed, trying not to throw up.

After swallowing half of it, he placed it back on the tray. He would eat later. He thought to himself.

Merlin rested his head again on the pillow, keeping his eyes shut until he was again back in a world of sleep.

* * *

After half an hour, Arthur was able to excuse himself from his father. He lied about being tired and needing to rest. His father bought it, and let him file back to his chambers. Arthur rubbed his face. It wasn't all a lie. He felt tired, but more concerned for Merlin than anything else. And he wasn't about to admit to his father he was keeping his servant in his chambers.

Once he reached his room, he was relieved to see Merlin was still there and not kidnapped or leaving or some other conspiracy he was conjuring up during wine.

Arthur frowned when he found most of the food untouched, spare half of a bread roll. He wouldn't wake Merlin up and force him to eat. Not now anyway. He sighed before tugging off his boots and changing into another set of clothes prepared for the night. Yes, he wasn't completely useless. He could change. Things just happened to be more fun with Merlin there for him.

Then Arthur suddenly realized Merlin was in his bed. His bed, so where was he to sleep? Arthur didn't think about that earlier on. All that concerned him was Merlin's well being, all other thoughts were pushed aside.

The bed was big enough for at least three people. There would be more than enough room for the both of them. It wasn't hurting anyone, right?

He got rid of the tray and slowly slid underneath the quilt he and Merlin now shared. Arthur kept his distance from Merlin, knowing the manservant would be uncomfortable if his Prince was sleeping so close. He sighed.

Arthur turned so he could get a look at him. Merlin rested on his side, face staring back at Arthur's. He noticed that the manservant looked much better than he had a couple of hours ago. Arthur smiled. The way Merlin's eyelids moved slightly fascinated him. Every little detail of him interested Arthur.

He hated the way he felt, he truly did. He wish he could bury his feelings for Merlin deep in his head, never to be disturbed again. He thought he had kept it from himself, but now it was starting to come to realization. He had affection for Merlin, and it was strong. Never had Arthur felt so passionate about someone in his life.

He shook his head free of the romance thoughts. He wasn't a girl, he wasn't going to think of emotion as such.

Half a second later he gasped as Merlin shook. He saw his lips quavering, muttering something. Arthur sat up, unsure of what he should do. He observed him. It looked as if Merlin was having a nightmare with all the tossing about.

"Merlin, shh. Merlin calm down."

"Arthur? Arthur I'm sorry...Arthur?" Merlin raised his voice. His eyes still remained close.

"Quiet Merlin it's alright. I'm here." Arthur reassured him.

"No, 'snot alright." He spoke again.

Arthur rested an arm over him, hoping it would ease him.

"I'm here. You are here. It is all alright."

Merlin stopped shaking at Arthur's touch, rather he sunk lower into the bed.

"Shhh." Arthur mumbled. "Sleep now."

Then Merlin rested back. Arthur felt a sense of pride, then utter terror. He didn't remove his arm away from Merlin. It was comforting to not only him, but Arthur as well.

He smiled. _It is all alright. _


End file.
